


EVERYONE IS A CLONE

by dytabytes



Category: Spider-Man (Ultimateverse), Ultimate Comics Spider-Man
Genre: Capslock, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-21
Updated: 2013-12-21
Packaged: 2018-01-05 09:18:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1092218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dytabytes/pseuds/dytabytes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>LOOK, MY PROMPT WAS "EVERYONE IS A CLONE." THAT'S IT. COULD YOU REALLY EXPECT TO GET ANYTHING OTHER THAN CAPSLOCK FIC?</p>
            </blockquote>





	EVERYONE IS A CLONE

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Peeta (diamondunderpressure)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/diamondunderpressure/gifts).



> I HOPE YOU ENJOY READING THIS AS MUCH AS I ENJOYED WRITING IT!

"THIS IS BULLSHIT." 

GWEN STACEY IS NOT IMPRESSED WITH HER CURRENT SITUATION

MOST PEOPLE WOULDN'T BE CONSIDERING THAT SHE IS SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BATHROOM AND HAS A DISTINCT PROBLEM WITH BEING HUMAN

OR RATHER, HER RIGHT SIDE DOES

"GODDAMNIT", SHE SAYS AGAIN FOR EMPHASIS

(CURSING IS ALWAYS A GOOD RESPONSE TO ANY SITUATION)

THIS WHOLE THING WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DONE WHEN SHE GOT CARNAGE SUCKED OUT OF HER BY VENOM

"LOOK ANYONE GONNA GIVE ME A LITTLE HELP?" S SHE IS SO DONE WITH THIS. SO COMPLETELY FUCKING DONE

“I WOULD LOVE TO BUT SORT OF. HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE HERE.” A PAUSE “UH. DEAR. THAT’S WHAT I USUALLY CALL YOU RIGHT? DEAR?”

“AUNT MAY WHAT HAPPENED DID SOMEONE SUCK OUT YOUR MEMORIES AGAIN? OR ARE YOU JUST GOING SENILE?”

IT’S SAD THAT GWEN’S MIND GOES TO THE FIRST OPTION, BUT HONESTLY IT’S MORE LIKELY THAN THE SECOND. 

WOMAN DOESN'T EVER AGE, JUST KEEPS STAYING VAGUELY OLDISH FOREVER. 

IT’S SORT OF CREEPY IF GWEN THINKS ABOUT IT TOO HARD 

SO SHE DOESN'T

“UM. WELL. GWEN THERE’S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU.”

“SHIT IF YOU’RE PREGNANT I DON’T WANT TO KNOW” 

BECAUSE THAT IS WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION AND ALSO THE LAST GUY GWEN SAW EVEN VAGUELY INTERACTING WITH AUNT MAY WAS DOC OCK WHICH

EW AUNT MAY 

JUST EW

“NO NOT. UGH.” 

THE BATHROOM DOOR BUSTS OPEN

“OH”

“HUH.”

IF GWEN IS HAVING A LITTLE PROBLEM WITH HER RIGHT SIDE, AUNT MAY IS HAVING A LITTLE PROBLEM WITH HER EVERYTHING BELOW THE WAIST.

“SO…”

“DID YOU THINK THAT I NEVER AGED BECAUSE I WAS SOME SORT OF MAGICAL KEYSTONE FIGURE IN PETER’S LIFE?”

“UH, WELL ACTUALLY…”

MAY ROLLS HER EYES.

“NO I’M A CLONE. I GET A NEW BODY CLONED ONCE A YEAR. A SPECIAL SHIELD CLONE. SHIELD HAS THE BEST CLONES. BECAUSE SHIELD LOVES ME. AND I LOVE SHIELD. EVERY DAY OF MY HORRIBLE CLONE-EXTENDED TEENAGE-SUPERHERO MOTHERING LIFE.”

THE WOMAN (CLONE? MONSTER? GWEN DOESN'T KNOW ANYMORE WHATEVER) PULLS A CIGARETTE FROM HER CLEAVAGE AND STARTS PUFFING ON IT LIKE IT AIN'T NO THANG

WHICH IF SHE GETS NEW BODIES ONCE A YEAR FROM SHIELD MAKES A LOT OF SENSE

ALSO EXPLAINS WHY NICK FURY IS SO CRAY

“SO YOU’RE A CLONE.”

“YEP.”

“AND I’M A CLONE.”

“YEP.”

GWEN STICKS HER TONGUE OUT

IT GOES A LOT FARTHER THAN SHE EXPECTS 

BUT THEY’RE BOTH HORRIFYING BLOBS AT THIS POINT 

NOTHING EITHER OF THEM HASN’T SEEN BEFORE

“WONDER WHO ELSE IS LIKE US?”

“DID SOMEONE CALL FOR A PLOT DEVICE? BECAUSE I NEED A LITTLE HELP HERE.”

THAT’S THE POINT WHEN MILES MORALES COMES CRASHING UP THE STAIRS, LOOKING MORE THAN A LITTLE UNHAPPY ABOUT HIS SITUATION

THIS COULD BE BECAUSE HE’S FACED WITH TWO TENTACLE MONSTER PEOPLE

AND IT COULD BE BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE VENOM IF VENOM HAD EVER BEEN A BLACK GUY (HAHA LIKE THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN NO ONE WANTS TO SEE BLACK PEOPLE PLAYING RECOGNISABLE CHARACTERS JUST LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED WITH DONALD GLOVER)

LET’S ALL PAUSE TO STARE JUDGMENTALLY AT THE COMIC BOOK FANDOM

AAAAAAAAAND BACK TO THE PLOT (IF THERE WAS ONE)

BUT PROBABLY IT’S BECAUSE HIS GIRLFRIEND IS SURGING UP THE STAIRS BEHIND HIM AND IS ONLY RECOGNIZABLE BY HER FACE BECAUSE THE ENTIRE REST OF HER IS MADE OF TENTACLES

GWEN DOESN’T HAVE TIME TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT.

“MAN, CAN’T YOU GO TO YOUR PARENTS ABOUT SEX ED?” 

MILES LOOKS SCANDALIZED

“I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS IS? I SLEPT OVER AT KATE’S AND WHEN I WOKE UP I WAS LIKE THIS AND SHE WAS POKING AT MY BUTT AND NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS COMFORTABLE. _I AM SO UNCOMFORTABLE_.” HE HONESTLY LOOKS DEAD INSIDE. GWEN CAN RELATE. 

“UGH. LOOK LET’S- ” GWEN SLAPS KATE’S TENTACLES AWAY FROM MILES’S BEHIND. “GIRL CONTROL YOURSELF. I REALIZE THAT ASS IS FINE BUT SERIOUSLY.”

“I WOULD IF I COULD!” KATE SOUNDS EXTREMELY ANNOYED ABOUT EVERYTHING.

WHICH GWEN CAN ALSO RELATE

“I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS SHIT AND IT’S PISSING ME OFF. ALSO HOW DID IT EVEN HAPPEN?”

KATE WIGGLES A TENTACLE FOR EMPHASIS

GWEN SIGHS DEEPLY

“WELL, WHEN A DOUCHEBAG LOVES A SUPERHERO VERY MUCH AND WANTS TO CONTROL EVERY ASPECT OF HIS LIFE? 

SOMETIMES HE GETS OUT HIS INVASIVE SCIENTIFIC TECHNOLOGY AND MAKES CLONES. 

OF EVERYONE HE LOVES. 

BECAUSE THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE RIGHT?”

KATE STARES AT GWEN WHO STARES BACK WITH EMPTINESS IN HER SOUL

“NO?”

“PFF, YOU’RE NOT A DOUCHEBAG YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND.”

“SO YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT EVERYONE IS A CLONE.”

“WE COULD GIVE SOMEONE A CALL AND FIND OUT, PROBABLY?”

“YEAH HOW ABOUT YOU GET ON THAT BECAUSE YOU’RE THE ONE WITH OPPOSABLE THUMBS?”

“THUMB. SINGULAR.” GWEN WIGGLES HER RIGHT TENTACLE. “AND SURE I’LL JUST CALL ALL THOSE SUPERHEROES WHO GAVE ME THEIR NUMBER. HELLO, MISTER RICHARDS?”

“THAT IS YOUR HAND. YOU ARE PRETENDING TO CALL SOMEONE ON YOUR HAND. I DO NOT APPRECIATE YOUR SARCASM.”

“GIRL IT IS PRETTY MUCH ALL I’VE GOT LEFT AT THIS POINT.”

“POINT.”

“AND GIVEN THE WAY THE WORLD WORKS SOMEONE IS GOING TO COME CRASHING THROUGH THE ROOF TO ADVANCE THE PLOT IN THREE, TWO, ONE…”

NOTHING.

“GODDAMNI-”

AND THAT’S WHEN SOMEONE CRASHED THROUGH THE ROOF 

TO ADVANCE THE PLOT

THE WRITER IS VERY DRUNK RIGHT NOW LEAVE ME ALONE MY FATHER NEVER LOVED ME _I AM TRYING MY BEST HERE_

AHEM

RIGHT SO SOMEONE CRASHED THROUGH THE ROOF 

OH NO 

SUCH LOUD 

MUCH PROPERTY DAMAGE 

REFERRING TO MEMES TO INCREASE WORD COUNT

THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT A THING THAT THE WRITER IS DOING RIGHT NOW

NEVER

NOPE

ANYWAY AS YOU PROBABLY GUESSED THE THING CRASHING THROUGH THE ROOF WAS ANOTHER CLONE

EVERYONE IS A CLONE

IT WASN’T REALLY ALL THAT RECOGNIZABLE TO BE HONEST

ANOTHER LUMPY MASS OF TENTACLES

PULSATING RED AND BLACK TENTACLES

TRYING TO TOUCH ALL THE BUTTS

AUNT MAY PUT AN END TO THE LATTER THING BY NONCHALANTLY STUBBING HER CIGARETTE OUT ON ONE OF THE OFFENDING APPENDAGES “STOP THAT. IT’S INAPPROPRIATE. THIS IS NOT A MANGO.” 

“MANGA, MS. PARKER. IT’S MANGA.” SAYS MILES WITH THE AIR OF SOMEONE WHO HAS HAD THIS CONVERSATION MANY TIMES BEFORE WITH NO SUCCESS

“WHATEVER, MANGO MANGA DOES IT REALLY MATTER?”

“TERMINOLOGY IS VERY IMPORTANT, MA’AM.” MILES RUBS HIS FACE WITH A TENTACLE. “PLUS A MANGO IS A FRUIT. MANGA IS NOT A FRUIT.”

“KID, I AM OLD.”

“BUT-”

“SO OLD THAT SEMANTICS REALLY DON’T MATTER TO ME ANY MORE.”

“BUT-?!”

“ _OLD AS BALLS_.”

“UM.”

BEFORE THE CONVERSATION COULD CONTINUE, THE MOST RECENT CLONE (WHICH YOU PROBABLY FORGOT ABOUT UNTIL NOW) LIFTED ITS HEAD AND ROARED IN A WET, DISTURBING SORT OF WAY

“IS THAT AN EYEPATCH?”

APPARENTLY IT WAS, BECAUSE AT THIS POINT, NICK FURY NUKED THE HOUSE

FROM SPACE

WITH A SPACE NUKE

(SPAAAAAAAAACE NUKE!)

BECAUSE SHIELD HAS ALL THE BEST SHIT

AND BECAUSE THE CLONE WAS A SUPREMELY MANGLED NICK FURY CLONE (THUS THE EYEPATCH) CREATED BY SOME RANDOM DOUCHEBAG ON A DARE

SAID DOUCHEBAG HAS BEEN TAKEN INTO CUSTODY, NEVER TO SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN

BECAUSE HAVING MORE THAN ONE NICK FURY IN ANY UNIVERSE IS AN ABOMINATION THAT MUST BE ADDRESSED WITH DECISIVE ACTION

TL;DR: MISSILES DETONATED, EVERYONE DIED, NICK FURY SAT AT HIS DESK AND DRANK A WHISKEY

A WHOLE WHISKEY

AN ENTIRE WHISKEY

(SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKE)

**Author's Note:**

> I HAVE ADDED REFERENCES WITHIN THE FIC TO OTHER PUBLISHED MARVEL WORKS. THE MOST NOTABLE REFERENCE IS THE ONE TO NEXTWAVE, WHICH IS A DIRECT QUOTE STRAIGHT FROM THE SOURCE. I COULDN'T NOT. I REALLY REALLY COULDN'T NOT.


End file.
